Has-Been (or never was -- your choice) Blu Cantrell at the Grammys

How to make your own Grammy dress, courtesy of Blu Cantrell:

1. Find your grandmother's old shawl -- you know, the one she used to wear when she rocked you to sleep as a baby, and which was left to you in her will.
2. Cut that shit UP. If a garment doesn't look like a feral cat mauled you on the way to the party, then it's no good. Word.
3. Grab that tablecloth you've always loved and wrap it around your ample ass. Hope fervently that it doesn't quite make it all the way around -- the better to flash some thigh, my dear. Bwa-Ha-Ha.
4. Keep the tablecloth there by wrapping a swath of gold lame around your waist and safety-pinning it. Yo mama always told you safety pins was handy. She don't lie.
5. Sneak over to Crazy Cat Lady's house and skin twelve of her pets; stitch them into a coat/shawl type thing as carelessly as possible. It'll be fine -- she's got ten other cats, and besides, wouldn't these beasts prefer photographic immortality to a life in her stuffy old apartment, watching soap operas on the magic noise-making box and eating Friskies? So what if this coat's going to get stepped on by Kanye West and then probably sexed-on by Usher and his regular posse of eighteen, before being stuffed into the back of the closet along with all your old shirts that don't expose any of your stomach. So WHAT? It will look GREAT hanging from your arm -- kind of like you're a modern-day cavewoman.
6. Voila! Pair with aggressive earrings, and you're ready to spend the entire night tugging at various parts of your ensemble to ensure they're in place. It's every girl's dream.

Drew's Pits

Okay -- I did NOT write this one ... but it's truly beautiful and I HAD to share.

The British Sun isn’t playing fair. Just because Drew Barrymore might be favoring a more "European" look during Fashion Week in NY, that’s no reason to splash photos of her pit hair all over their tabloid. What’s next, a full-page analysis of a shoddily-waxed taint? For shame!

The Epitome of White Trash

The trailer park looked on in awe as Tonya's breasts devoured her Big Gulp.

Thora Birch -- American Fugly

When people go blond and bleach out their brows -- especially if they are fair-skinned -- it washes them out and detracts from their eyes, generally really ratcheting back the cute quotient. Look at Thora. It looks like she shaved her brows off, and the effect is that her forehead goes on for ten miles.

All it would take is some Nice-n-Easy to darken those right up so that her eye area has some definition. Better, if she goes to a full-on salon, she could get a weave, because her hair is kind of thin and damaged and appears to be retreating from her very aggressive forehead, which is annexing patches of her skull at an alarming rate.

However, more problematically: Thora Birch needs to eat some carbs. People shouldn't make carbohydrates the enemy. Carbs love you. They want to insulate you and prevent you from becoming a shrunken bag of bones. Sometimes, they want to help you take a nap on your keyboard in the middle of the workday. Let them.

Juliette, Rock Star

My Juliette Lewis caption:

"Whaaaaat? You don't love camel-toe and skintight metallic pants? You mean... I'm not in Aerosmith? Shut up! You bitches just aren't rock-and-roll!!"